Merry Christmas, mass murder, depression

Anyone else having a hard time to get in the Christmas mood knowing that about 20 kids were shot to death and gunned down like a dog by some madman?  I can't even fathom that act.  Why didn't he just kill himself and be done with it?

We were talking about depression a few times on the blog.  Unless you have really let something bother you to the point you can't even get up out of bed, you probably wouldn't understand it.

I just saw that Scott777 quit two jobs again.  Now he has a chipin for "hot water, rent and a new computer".   He created that chipin because for $100 a few of them wanted to be mods in his room.  In selling his modship for a greater price than Keemstar ever got, he also sold his soul to the devil because now everyone has his email address and his real name if they click on that link.  A fool and his money are soon greedily joined together.  Maybe for $100, he can go buy a Hungry man XL turkey dinner for Christmas as he hovers around a candle to keep warm.  I wouldn't give him the match to light the candle.  Yet, who knows, by taking the chance with the chipin he just might raise his $1,500 goal and exceed it.   Maybe he could date lily?  Those two could be the mom and dad of the battlecam clan kids of dysfunctionality.

I tried my luck once.  Invested in a stock. 2 years and 3 months later got my money back. I turned down a one time interest payment of $3,900 because it wasn't part of the deal.  I was lead to believe the stock was going to be very valuable and even told so right up to the point it went back on the stock market for the second time.   Then I learned the news that I could get a refund but nothing more.  Lies lies lies were fed to me. I repeated them.  I suddenly learned that my smart choice was a huge joke on me.  Suddenly the expected payout wasn't going to happen.   For over 2 years, I bragged to family and coworkers and everyone I know about the great company I had invested in and all the good things that were going on with it. 

My biggest problem was the fact that I was told almost up until the stock was relisted that it was going to go back on the market a lot higher than the previous closing price before it was taken off the market and privately held.  Who would not brag about making the correct decision of a lifetime to watch it pay off.  I was told that if I waited, I was going to get a nice gift of shares from 30,000 to 300,000 shares due to a "stock consolidation".   Another investor and I, saw a tidbit on the internet that the stock was being consolidated a few months prior but nothing was told to us.  Why wait? Was this suddenly information that was being given to me as if it was something new?

I counted on the fact that the company I invested in was a good one which I helped for over 2 years since it was started by helping anyone who came in a chat room to get their software up and running. I felt pretty damn good the entire two years. I felt what I was doing was very important and that  as time passed, I got to watch the company grow.  I also got to make a few promises along the way. 

When I cashed my stock in, I was going to buy a relative a new house.  I was going to buy a niece and nephew a new car.  I promised a few friends a couple of things that would really help them along their way in life.

When it all came crashing down, I was floored. I raged.  I was in total shock. I could not believe that after all that time, work and energy, suddenly, I would get a refund but not be able to cash in those 300,000 shares of stock because I was "not a nice person".  Suddenly they were not due  to a stock consolidation but were then declared "a gift" I was no longer allowed to have.

I bring this up because the subject was depression.  I was speaking to anne about it.  Do you know what it is like to take pain pills because you have severe arthritis and without them you could hardly function or sleep?

Have you ever been so let down, with something effecting your life so strongly that you can barely even get out of bed in the morning?  You go throughout the day and it's all a giant blur from one day to the next.  You realize that what you thought would happen for about 2 1/4 years was suddenly not going to happen at all. You told everyone.  Now you had to tell them because they'd been asking along the way when you were going to cash out and start a new way of life.

Have you ever taken pain medications and wondered what it would be like to go out to your car and start it in the garage? To press the garage door opener and let the door close as you drifted off to sleep?  I always wondered why someone would do that.  Sometimes when the pain hurts that deeply and there is no end in site, some choose that route.  I admit, I thought of it.  Hoping I would get lucky and they'll all say what a terrible accident it was.  What was he doing? Trying to start the car and could not move?  Had an asthma attack?  Arthritis attack?  It's a lot better to think that than to have friends and family and co workers laugh that you got fucked over a stock deal.  A decision you made over two years ago and thought that one lone decision was going to separate you from others who dared not even take the risk in trying.  It would set you up for life.  Granted, to some that amount of money is probably nothing.  To others it is a fortune.  I've realized a few hundred dollars might be the difference in someone eating or doing without to pay a bill and keep a roof over their head.


Because tomorrow you just won't have to wake up and go through that all again.  Wondering what you did wrong that really blew things all out of proportion and suddenly you are in worse shape than when you started out.  Bills pile up, health deteriorates, money was spent thinking it would be paid off when you cashed in your shares of stock. Debt looms.  File a lawsuit, wait months and months to see if you can file in federal court. Do you want to do it? Is it worth it in the big picture?  You blame yourself for getting into the situation to begin with.

Depression can take you down roads you never dreamed your mind would even take you.

I was told once that I was an awful person. I was told that my name and employer would be revealed to everyone they knew so that they could contact my employer and tell them that I was a "lunatic madman".  In the world of online chat, good or bad,  you might not care about your name, I don't.  But to have them contact your employer?  That threat shook me up because it suddenly broke up the security I had, that no matter what, I was still employed and had a job.

I no longer have that job so the threat is dead.  Tell what you want, it's a moot point now.  Suddenly that threat is no longer a problem and was lifted from my shoulders.  Should I be happy that I am no longer working so they have nothing on me to divulge? Isn't that sort of funny?

The day you realize that you can lay in bed day after day and accomplish absolutely nothing forces you to make a few decisions. 

As a few of you know, I found an attorney and am awaiting their final decision on how they want to proceed. Suddenly, this lunatic madman realizes that when people think they have any power over you- they use that to their advantage.    Come hell or high water, good or bad, if we can file in January of 2013 or so, I will do my best to get vindicated to prove that I was a very honest person and did nothing wrong. At no time did *I* break the law.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.  I hope a federal judge believes me and awards me those shares of stock to sell at that last price set when they sold.  300,000 shares at $6.65 cents.

To Alki David.  Do I hate him? No, I hate what he did.  After 16.5 years of friendship, I was owed the truth all along the way.  Friendship alone should have commanded it.  Do I wish him a Merry Christmas?  Oh hell no.  I hope sometime, somehow, one day in HIS life that he realizes that money does not make a man.  Money doesn't buy friends. 

One day, when he gets upset and is down,  I hope he reflects back on every single person that he's paid to piss and get shit on and asks himself if it was worth it.  To have someone degrade themselves for money because they are poor and needed it.  To pay a miserable no good fucking whore to call upon a poor pizza driver only to have the filthy slut scream RAPE and send him scrambling to get out the door as the next week or two makes him wonder if someone will be knocking at his door with charges against him.  Among others.  It's not funny my friends. Not funny in the least.

I hope that one day when he looks back and sees what he has done he sheds even one fucking tear.  By doing that, it would prove he was human.

It's after 6am. I tried to sleep twice, I toss and turn toss and turn.  Nothing is bothering me yet everything is on my mind.  In a few minutes, it will be time to take a dose of Nyquil and try once again for sleep.

Those poor poor children who died in Connecticut. Doesn't it make all of our life's problems seem so insignificant?  I'm not a religious person. God help those children and their families. God help the survivors who are going to suffer for years because of one lone act of a madman.

I am going to a relatives house to stay for awhile to help them get some things done.  As much or as little help as I may be.

My last thought is for Lindsey Lohan. You have enough problems kiddo, stay away child, stay away !

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all have a meal to enjoy and if you get desperate you can always hop online Christmas evening and day and come troll with me.  We won't break into any songs but we can always cut down anyone else who isn't online !

ps good luck anne.  you can chat with me anytime.